I'm a very sensitive person. I can be sensitive to everything and everyone around me. I can vividly remember almost everything that happened during my childhood. Now enter Aunty Chinaza (not real name), our family house maid.
I was never really conscious of her until I was around 3 years old. She was practically everything in my life then. While I see my mom regularly, it was like aunty Chinaza was assigned to give me special attention. Mom and Dad always travels or are busy zooming to work, so it was natural for me to grow accustomed to Aunty Chinaza.
She bathes me regularly, clean me up, sing me lullabies at night, feeds me by herself even when I sometimes refuse. She was an angel, or so I thought.
At a time just before my 4th birthday, she began fondling my genitals with her hands whenever she baths me. I remember one time I was telling her "aunty it's paining me", she simply grinned and simply said "sorry".
One day, when the school bus had taken my older siblings to school for the day (my pre-school was nearby), she stripped me naked, stripped herself and began fondling my genitals with EVERY PART OF HER BODY, her fingers, mouth, palms...I didn't know what these meant, she would tell me, "you will enjoy it" as she continues her exploits. sometimes I feel sore after her actions. I thought it would end that day as I complained, I didn't know that was the beginning.
sometimes after "bathing" me in the afternoon shortly after preschool, she takes me to her room grabs me with her muscular arms (I later noticed she was after I looked at her pictures years after). she squeezed me so hard that I squealed for her to stop. I was even already getting nauseated by her body odour. Psychologically the remembrance of her odor still puts me off. She would try to drive my genitals in hers, and the odour just drains and nauseated me. I can't tell you how many times I feel sore and nauseated due to her actions. She would reward me with a bigger fish or meat, more milk in my tea, more snacks, such that even my mom jokingly calls her my own "mom"! I knew deep inside that it was her way of "rewarding me". She kept telling me before she starts again that the act was simply a type of FUN/PLAY. Though getting uncomfortably sore, I felt I enjoyed the "play".
For reasons I didn't know, she left the house. then I hadn't celebrated my 5th birthday, but I was close to. It was much later when I had grown older that I understood that my parents had sent her packing because she misbehaving with one of the male neighbors living across the street. A new maid replaced her. The new one showed care but she never exploited me sexually. However, images of the last ones nakedness kept flooding my mind as I grew older. As I grew into full adolescence, I had realized that I was a maid's sex toy. I felt ashamed and molested. But her vivid nakedness (in my head) kept haunting me and made me feel the drive to explore sex. I began masturbating.
I struggled with this for a long time despite being a sincere Christian. Whenever I see her old picture in our family catalogue, her nakedness strikes me again (alongside her body odour). It was really hard for me. Guilt, shame and sometimes, the desire to exploit girls overwhelmed me. Thank God it didn't break me. God indeed saved me.
During my late teens, I heard aunty Chinaza is now late. she was survived by her parents, husband and children. But I will never forget the role she played in my life. I never told my parents or siblings. May her soul in peace.
I decided to share my own story too after the last story I saw on Save the Boys Initiative page, to let the world know that this abuses happens and why we must pay careful attention to whom we leave with our children especially for the boys we've always thought that they are safe. A lot is going on but the culture of silence around our issues has kept things like this hidden.
Thank you Save the Boys Initiative for the great work you are doing, please keep saving our boys.